Lately I’ve been feeling a bit rubbish. Sometimes I feel as though I’m not doing enough, that I’m not good enough. And no I don’t necessarily mean exercise wise. I mean just in general. Life. Like I don’t feel myself. Like I’ve prioritised a lot of things over my mental health. I don’t know about anyone else but sometimes my anxiety takes over more than a little bit, I doubt almost every move I make. I panic in my mind that I’m failing everyone, I have mini arguments with myself in my head. I feel as though I have no self belief. But one thing that really used to help me was running.
When I was training last year to run 10k it was me time. Time to clear my head. Time to reflect on the day. Time to just let go, not care, and run. And once I ran the race and completed my 10k I gave running a rest. Well more than a rest, I stopped. I hadn’t run since that day. So what was stopping me?
For me the 10k was never about weight loss or fitness it was about the journey. It was about raising money for a charity that means so much to me. Last week I went running for the first time in nearly a year, I could have cried, it was hard. I’m going to try and run a 10k in a month, in 6 months I’m going to run a half marathon. And next year I’m going to run a marathon. Hopefully London. Why? Why am I doing this? Why now? Since changing jobs I’ve been so busy, I’ve been so, so happy but so busy. For me running does wonders for my mental health. And I’ve missed that. I’ve felt a bit down lately, not myself. Well more than just a little down. I’ve been triggered by a lot of influences around me and I’ve struggled the past month.
The marathon will probably be the hardest physical challenge I’ll ever do. I want to do it, not just for myself but for my child. I want to raise money, as much as I possibly can to help a charity that has done so much for the Cystic Fibrosis community. A lot has been talked about in regards to new treatments being denied by the UK government or put to further discussion and it’s heartbreaking. Treatments that could change my sons life in the long term. So if I can raise anything to help them. I will.
So why running? As a size 18 woman, a lot of people would believe its not my strongest suit, but I bloody well want to prove that it can be. I’m not stupid, going from not running at all to exercising weekly may change my body shape, my weight might increase it might decrease, and I know I’ll have to be careful that I don’t fall into old tendencies. But I need to focus, this isn’t about that. This is about raising money for an amazing charity, about getting my mental health back on track, about not only completing races but enjoying the journey. This about getting back some me time.
I’m not saying running is for everyone because it’s not. I know it’s not my strong point, I’d rather have a cuppa and cake! But the reality is I need to focus on something. Feel like I’m helping. Sometimes I struggle talking about my sons CF, you only ever hear the not so good stories about it. But I get it, you wouldn’t raise money if all you talked about was a happy child who lived a normal life and took some medication and did some physio. The CF Trust make that happen. But I know this won’t be the case forever with Parker.
Last week I ran 3 miles, night after night. I pushed myself more, I ran so many times. And now I’m paying for it. Everything aches, but it’s okay. I know I can push through, I know I’ve got this. I’ve taken this weekend to rest up, but I’m going to use some Monday motivation to get back out there tomorrow evening. I think we all forget how easy it is to let the focus of our mental well being slip. And sometimes it is the small things that can really make a difference. I will continue to share my running journey on social media as the amount of support we give and receive can be so positive and so boosting. Also I want to share some active wear and sports wear blogs with you over the next few moths of my journey, that I’ve found have really worked for me as a plus sized woman. I will enter the London Marathon ballot next month and I’ve got everything crossed I get in. Has anyone started a running journey lately? As always I would love to hear how you’ve found it! Let me know in the comments. x