Trying to make sense of March.

March, the start of Spring, and for us it’s usually a month of celebration with Parker’s birthday, of happiness with Spring walks, of excitement with Easter arriving soon and a glimpse at another bank holiday on the horizon. But due to the recent outbreak of Covid 19 in the UK and the world, things have been a little, well different this year. It’s all been very strange and if I’m honest my anxiety has overwhelmed me at times. I’ve really been trying to make the most of it, whilst obviously being very aware of everything happening. Some moments I feel like it consumes me. The media, the news, the figures. It’s a really scary time, especially as no one has been through this before. So much uncertainty, so much confusion, and so much worry. You’d think that staying at home would be relaxing but if I’m honest it’s completely thrown me off. 

Trying to make the most of it? By accepting facts. Parker is extremely vulnerable as he has Cystic Fibrosis, so we have to self isolate for 12 weeks. Three months in our house and in our garden. We’ve had all his medications now delivered to the door but one thing we’re really struggling with? Food shopping, home delivery to be precise. I cannot get a slot, I’ve tried every hour at every supermarket and I’ve admitted defeat. I’m so blessed to have Paul, we can share the load. So one of us will only go out when we absolutely need to, to get food and when we do it’s a strict regime when we get back. Strip off at the door, put the clothes for the wash, get showered, then anti bac the bags, the products bought, the car keys, my phone. Anything that could be contaminated. It’s actually quite frightening and the times I have had to go out in the past week, it’s given me so much anxiety. I’ve hated it to be honest. But I have to remember it’s only temporary.

Keeping safe, staying home. It’s strange really isn’t it? Not knowing what’s to come in the near future. I’ve been furloughed at work until the end of April, but after that I’m unsure. With Parker in the extremely vulnerable group, I know I won’t be able to return to work then. I miss my colleagues, they’re all such good friends, I miss daily working life, the satisfaction work brings. I miss the school drop offs and pick ups. If I’m honest, I miss chatting. Not anything meaningful or deep, just ‘wasn’t the traffic awful?’ Or ‘beautiful day, looks like springs on the way!’ I never thought I’d miss small talk. 

It’s funny how the little things, become the biggest things, and just mean the most. I always say the blogs that take the longest to write are the ones that I’m most passionate or emotional about. Writing these words with so much uncertainty, with no knowing. Just writing, just feeling, just trying to put into words all my thoughts down here in my safe space. One thing I’ve been asked about is home schooling, as Parker’s in reception I’ve been trying to focus his learning in small groups throughout the day. Maths, writing, reading, art and of course P.E with Joe Wicks. All in fun bursts, not putting any pressure on him and making it as fun as possible. We’d been given some homeschooling sheets from school which he completed last week and this week were moving on to the online schooling, so fingers crossed it’s easy to use! Monday done it seems okay! It’s all actually been so far so good, maths using Easter eggs, writing letters to elderly family members for English and drawing with chalks in the garden for art. Parker thinks this is all fun, and even though he said he’s looking forward to going back to school he’s doing well. I’m so glad he’s aware of Coronavirus but not worried by it. The most he knows is that we’ve all been told to stay in and to wash hands lots. And for a 5 year old who’s had all his birthday plans cancelled he’s doing pretty well. 

I’ve been trying to remind myself this all temporary, and that we’re not stuck at home we’re safe at home. So many key workers are putting themselves on the line daily so that we can minimise the spread, so that we can stay safe and keep the vulnerable safe. We all need to be mindful, think before we act and speak, which is why I think this has taken so long to write. I don’t want to sound like I’m moaning but this is my space to vent. So I’m writing this being mindful that others are struggling more and that my worries in the grand scheme of things aren’t too bad. They’re not great. But they’re not too bad. And all I know is that thinking of others right now, it’s more important than ever. I know so many of us want to see loved ones that do not live with us, but right now it’s safest to FaceTime, to write letters. To stay home. To let people know that even though you’re not physically there, you’re there for them. 

I’ve also been trying to keep myself in routine as much as possible. Getting early nights on week nights, setting alarms for the week mornings. Getting showered and dressed most days (although I’m leaving the hair and make up behind!) and just feeling a little more productive so that when it is the weekend, it feels like a weekend. Some days, we’ve watched movies and played board games, others we’ve done so much reading, school work and baking. It’s all a balance and you’ve just got to find the right balance that suits you. 

I’ve had a few messages from people on social media, and they’ve been so so lovely. Saying that they’ve loved my content this week from home, and honestly it’s such a lift. I’ve been trying to stay as positive as possible as other wise my anxiety will consume me. If you don’t laugh you’ll cry right? I know it’s a very serious situation. And there are so many that are suffering and so many loved ones lost. It breaks my heart. And that’s just it, if I think about it too much I’d just be sat in one place, crying letting it consume me. And I will not let it consume me. I will try and make the most of a shite situation. By putting me and my family in as safe as position as possible, by being there for others, by remembering to take the time. For me. For doing what makes me happy, and one of those things? Blogging.

It’s taken me nearly a week to write this. Maybe it’s because talking about my anxiety is such a mental weight being lifted, that it takes time to get it out correctly and how I want? Maybe it’s because it’s just actually emotionally draining admitting I’m not okay all the time. Maybe it’s because if you’re sat here reading this and you can relate, I want you to know that I’m also here for you and that this is all a bit shite but it’s only temporary, and I hope that I don’t mean to sound like moaning mertle. 

So if it all feels a bit shite right now, it’s because it is. But we’re all in this together. And we will get through this. Take care of you, check in on others over the phone or over social media and most importantly stay in where you can. Remember you’re not stuck inside, you’re safe inside. After all, after the storm comes the rainbow.

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