The blog that I’ve wanted to share for so long.

Hello, what a few months off writing that’s been hey?! I said a while ago I wanted to get back into writing and I did really want to, so badly, I love this space, this space here is mine. My thoughts, my feelings, my good, my bad, my hard times. And honestly lately, I feel like the hard and the challenging times are a lot. Which ironically has meant that I haven’t had the time or energy to want to write. So here we go.

After walking 65km in June for charity I felt on top of the world, I felt like after fracturing my foot back in March that I was unstoppable. That my body and my mind were doing great, we were working together, mind and body as one. But the next day things took an unexpected turn, at a regular pill check appointment I was told my blood pressure was too high, and they were unsure whether it was to do with the actual pill or the stress of the walk or my weight and lifestyle. It sucked. The way BMI is used and the way the nurses spoke to me still upsets me now. It’s like they don’t care that you ran a half marathon in that body or that you’ve just raised so much money for charity by walking so far, when it comes to Heath all they see is numbers and it was hard to take in. The next week went by and I noticed some issues with my eyes, migraines and my sight. Due to the blood pressure coming up I went straight to the opticians who told me to call the doctor, who took me straight off my pill. We still had no idea what was up with my blood pressure or my eyes.

After years, over six years of using the contraceptive pill as my comfort and my security it was gone. Why did it mean so much to me? If you’ll have read my blog ‘what if, maybe, baby number two’ you’ll know me and Paul always wanted two children, it was something we always thought would just happen, but with Parker having Cystic Fibrosis it wasn’t something that was just as easy as having another child and after much thought and much deciding, we said no to baby number two. It broke my heart but I knew our family was complete with or without them.

So the pill. Why did I love it so much, because for six years I was period free, I had no monthly reminder that I wasn’t pregnant. I back to backed every damn pack to make sure that I never had that reminder over me. So having it taken away, was hard. I don’t think I was mentally prepared for how hard it would be, my hormones having to get used to not having it, my body not knowing what to do without it.

With all of this going on in my head I now had my eye issues, which thankfully weren’t anything related to my blood pressure, I had utevitis. A rare eye disease caused by an underlying chronic condition which in my case they found out I have an autoimmune disease, we’re not sure what yet but they have a feeling it could be my psoriasis. I felt like I had answers, I was being treated for it and told what to look out for next time so it wouldn’t get as bad as this time. I felt like it was time to get back to so sort of normal again. So I went back for a blood pressure check to see if I could be put back on the pill, my blood pressure was great, but they refused. The doctor told me I was far too overweight to be on it, and that hurt. I felt like my health was doing great, but that all they wanted was for me to loose weight to fit in the numbers bracket. Never the less I listened.

I was told to change my lifestyle, to loose weight and to come back or have the coil fitted. Honestly it was just too much, to be told that a body you’ve spent so long learning to love and accept isn’t okay was so hard and I really struggled. I fell straight back into the cycle of crash dieting and binge eating and honestly I didn’t know who I was, with hormones raging I just felt so all over the place and lost. Which maybe is why I haven’t written on here in so long because facing it all has been hard, but talking about it openly is harder.

The blood pressure issue was scary and once I thought about it more I decided I did want to take the pressure off my body a bit. No diets this time, more gentle walks, more cooking exciting meals packed full of goodness rather than the freezer teas, trying to make an effort to more of a better relationship with food with no restricting. And now to this day it’s something I’ve been doing and doing okay at. I feel better in my self and I feel like since that walk in June a lot has changed. I started college to study in something I really love, and I feel better in myself for making small changes and although the weight is coming off super slowly I’m loosing it with a better relationship with food and time for myself, and I’ve gained a new job and in the same sentence this week I lost that job, due to the business closing. Again I feel like once I’ve found my feet it’s taken away again. But there’s something that’s been over my head for a while that I’ve so desperately wanted to share in this space but that I couldn’t find the words to.

That yes in fact we are trying, maybe for baby number two. It took a lot of talking, me and Paul sat down for a while and discussed our options, discussed Parker, and my health. And being that I’m doing great now, and that Parker is incredibly well with his Cystic Fibrosis and managing it amazingly, and also that we know more about the condition, that now actually was the right time. We’ve both never been on the same path with it at the same time so I guess that’s why we always ruled it out and decided we were happy just the three of us (and the cats) However with lockdown its opened our eyes to what’s important, to what we want and actually growing our family would be wonderful and it’s what we all would really like to happen. We haven’t told Parker about this part of our journey as I wouldn’t want him to be disappointed if nothing came from it.

However it’s not as easy as I thought. We fell pregnant super quickly with Parker I think pretty much that same month we started trying. This time around it’s not been as simple and honestly it’s harder than I ever thought. I’ve been back to having regular periods since the start of July. So we are now nearly on month five of nothing, and it’s hard. That reminder of a monthly period telling you your not pregnant, it’s really hard. I know that five months may sound like nothing to so many and I know in the grand scheme of things it’s not. But it’s still hard. We’ve both said we’ll give it a year as emotionally it’s a lot to go through, that period every month is eating me up and if not, if it doesn’t happen our family is perfect as it is and it’s just not meant to be.

And before anyone thinks there are different routes we could go down, I know, I’m fully aware, but I know I just couldn’t handle those routes and that’s okay. I know what a lot of you may be thinking though, with the cystic fibrosis gene over us why are we doing it again? And this hasn’t been an over night decision, we’ve looked at so many paths and ways to have baby number two and after being re-assured by our CF team and other friends who have more than one child with Cystic Fibrosis and who have children without in the family we know it may not be the easiest, but that it can be totally worth it, we’re not niave we know it’s going to be a hard road ahead. We know the risks, we know about so much and we feel very open minded going into this decision. We’ve taken in so much information of routes and testing we can go down to be more prepared and it’s something that we’ve both agreed on. However It may never happen for us and that’s okay. But for now with all the information that can be given to us early on we feel this is the best path for us.

It’s taken me so long to write this blog post, I’ve found it so hard to write what I want to in words, to share with so many when it’s just felt like it’s been me and Paul in this decision. It still is but by sharing I feel like it’s taken a massive weight off me. There are a select few friends and family who we’ve already shared this with and their support has meant everything. I know the road ahead isn’t going to be easy, again I know that my weight will be brought up which is why I’m making small lifestyle changes to loose weight to make the process a little smoother. Which I know some people won’t agree with and I know it’s hard but it’s my body and this is my choice. I don’t hate it, I’ve accepted it and I’ve learnt to love it and I’m sure I will again. My body after all is the least interesting thing about me.

I’ll be starting a new job in November and I feel like November will be the perfect month for a fresh start. To take the pressure off, to be more open, to have more honest conversations and to get back into feeling a bit more me, because with so much going on in my head I honestly haven’t had the time to focus on this space and it’s a space I’ve so greatly missed. If you’ve made it this far I want to thank you for taking the time to read it. It was a hard write and I hope you understand more why I’ve been so distant. I’m hoping now that I’ll be able to get back to this space more now I’ve vented and I can’t wait to get back into writing about all the things I love. And if there’s anyone who’s feeling in a similar position know my inbox is open if you’d like to reach out, so who knows, one day maybe, baby number two.

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