Hello, it’s been a while hasn’t it? After writing my last blog post I really felt a weight had been lifted. I chatted to so many of you who were going through similar, who had been hoping and trying for that magic baby dust to be sprinkled your way but had not yet happened. And although we already have Parker and he’s now seven, we still felt the heartache of trying for baby number two and it not happening.
A lot has changed since October when I sat down and put my thoughts into words, but not the changes I thought or had initially hoped would happen. I thought after writing the post I thought each month would be easier. That it wouldn’t be as hard because they say a problem shared is a problem halved right? But not for me. Each month has gone by and I’ve still cried, I’ve still felt down and as each month has gone by I’ve felt exhausted trying. Wondering what is wrong with me, why isn’t it happening? You question so much?
In December last year, I felt a really low point. November was hard and in my head I had this whole idea of celebrating Christmas by giving everyone Christmas cards with baby scan photos in and announcing it with everybody there because you know, we were doing everything by the book and when time went on and the dream was slowly being pulled away I struggled. I felt so down.
We’d talked about extending our family for a while, and had always wanted a dog but the time was never right with me and Paul working full time but after starting my new job at the end of October, I had a lot of time on my own, a lot of time to think. After a lot of thinking and chats we decided it was time. So we welcomed our gorgeous Hugo to the family, a Labrador retriever who honestly has been my saviour. Puppy classes, walks, cuddles, lots of mischief. But one of my best friends. In December I came to terms with the fact that becoming pregnant with baby number two might not happen for a while or at all and that was okay, it was still hard but it was okay. We always said it would be a bonus anyway but it was still hard to not have it happen. Hugo filled that gap.
We always had a family dog in the plan and it’s true what they say, you’ll know when the time is right and for us we just knew. I was lonely, no amounts of coffees with friends or walks could fix the small emptiness I felt from wanting to be a mother again. So being a human mum again wasn’t happening? A dog mum was the next best thing and honestly I’m so glad we made the decision. Suddenly a small space in my heart was filled, I could look after a different kind of baby, and Parker has a companion at home that he has bonded so incredibly with.
People say dogs are family and I never understood until we had one. Our cats are great, so loving and cheeky but no where near the compassion, the empathy, the love that Hugo gives. He is a huge part of the family and we’d be lost without him now.
I’m a couple of weeks time, in June, it will be a year. A year of trying. Trying everything. Ovulation apps, ovulation sticks, fertility cups, timings, trying not to think about it, and so much more. All of which has been so exhausting. Everyone said when we got Hugo, ooh it’ll happen now you’ve got a dog, then when I expressed to friends and family in the new year that we weren’t focused on trying and that we were more ‘relaxed’ again, ooh it’ll happen now you watch. And it’s not. And although it’s done in a caring way, telling someone it will happen is bloody hard to hear. It’s not what I need to hear. To hear it’s okay if it doesn’t. I’m here if it doesn’t, or if you need to vent, I’m here. All things so many times I wish people would say.
So why today? Why am I writing this all down? Because I’m sat on a train for five hours, because I write best with no distractions. With no one around, just my thoughts. And because it’s been a year of trying, a year of heartache, trying, not trying, genetic appointments, blood tests. It’s been hard and honestly I’m done. I know now and after talking to Paul on so many occasions, this is it. It’s taken it’s toll. My mental health is being affected. What I thought would be an exciting year of trying for a baby, falling pregnant, and extending our family hasn’t happened and I’ve reached the point where I can’t let it and the thoughts of self doubt consume me any longer.
Sometimes things just don’t happen in life and that’s okay. Sometimes you need to let it out that it’s all a bit shit. I know there are other options and routes for us to go down if we wanted to and we have explored those, talked about those in great depth, but I also know myself, and my mental health, and I know that some things aren’t what I want. And we’re happy. Me, Paul, Parker, Hugo and our two lovely cats, Gizmo and Kingston. We’re happy. And it’s time to close the chapter of trying because it’s not just for us anymore. And I can finally say I’m mostly okay with that.
I know so many of you messaged when I shared my thoughts in my last post and were on this journey too and I really hope it happens for you all. But for me this is it and I just wanted to share that with you all. I’m going to look at taking control of my cycles again, and finding a contraception that works for me, and I’m going to look forward.
As a newly qualified nail tech I’m transforming what would have been a nursery into a home salon, I’m going to look forward to spending time over the years with Paul and Parker and I’m going to look forward to having more adventures. We are so blessed to already have Parker and I know he is perfect as he is and is everything to us. As we always said a second child would be a bonus. So we’re looking forward. Starting next month with a trip glamping, and next year with a holiday in Greece. Because I want to live, because I’m tired of thinking but what if, because I want to make memories with the family I have. And that’s my choice, and I know it’s not for everyone and that’s okay.
This journey of trying for a year has changed who I am, I’ve struggled. I’ve found some days so hard. And I’m really ready to let go, and look forward. I know some people will say but it’s only been a year, but to me it’s been a really long year. Again I’m really hoping for those of you who still want it that it will happen and as I’ve said previously I really do hope it happens for you. But for now, for me, let’s start a new chapter shall we?
‘Sometimes you have to let go of the picture of what you thought it would be like and learn to find the joy in the story you are actually living’ – Rachel Marie Martin